“If you didn’t see it come in, it didn’t”
Cheryl Hill, June 2020
Once again writing in this time of the quarantine, I have dredged up some little known side effects. The Corona Virus has sent us all into our father’s (grandfather’s) fall-out shelter. This time, unlike the Twilight Zone on the subject, there is not a problem of neighbors wanting in. Nobody wants to be near us. (Oh, yes. Our close family and friends want to be near us…in theory.)
Come on, ‘fess up. There are more than a couple of people whom you relish distancing in the social way.
There is an insidious correlative infection that has crept into our sanitized homes. I call it Inconspicuous Consumption. While unrelated to the Victorian Consumption, it has one startling similarity…it drains our resources.
We long for the tactile stimulation of strolling the through the summer frocks or touching the dimpled surface of that Green Egg-shaped grill. Our nasal cavities ache for the garlic and basil aroma of an Italian bistro and our taste buds sparkle at the thought of the Deluxe Chimichanga at our favorite Mexican cantina. Our lust overwhelms us at the thought of casually kicking the tires of the just released Ford Bronco.
We have become susceptible to the insidious syndrome, Inconspicuous Consumption. We are timorous about even being six-feet from those twenty-five people allowed inside Belks and with so many people out of work, hauling half-a-dozen plastic bags with Dillards logo on the side, or carrying a drive-in sized movie screen out of Best Buy feels, well, like bragging.
And then the Lord sent Amazon among us with a legion of gray trucks full of all the heady textures and smells we have been missing. Like manna from retail heaven, packages land on our doorstep camouflaged in tan cardboard. As far as the neighbors can tell, even with the good binoculars, we could be ordering groceries or cleaning supplies.
Our new motto is, “See it, Love it, Click it!”
Cheryl warns me to check carefully before I choose the “Buy Now” option. It is because of that complete set of Traveling Wilbury CD’s that I bought for such a great price. It would have been a great price if it had been dollars instead of pounds.
Yesterday, among the cardboard mysteries on our porch, was the package I have been waiting for; a pair of fast drying khaki shorts replete with zippers and snaps and a couple of loops to hang survival or fishing gear on. So popular were these “combat grade” shorts that they took almost two months to arrive. I ordered the XL because I am, let’s say, larger than life. Impatient to try them on, I got them almost to my knees before they were obviously too tight. I immediately checked the size. They were plainly marked XL. I decided to measure them and found that somewhere in the Far East, extra-large people have a 32 inch waist.
Once again, I have been beaten by the nefarious dealers of on-line merchandise.
When this is over, I will, I swear, never order on-line again. If I see something in the L. L. Bean Catalogue that I cannot live without, I am going to Maine to get it.
Live Positively, Shop wisely and love one another
Mike
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